I went out trying to find something to name. I'd been thinking a lot about judgment and then I saw these thorns. I think unrequested judgment is like thorns: it hurts unnecessarily and separates us from getting closer one to another.
That said, I am frequently paid to judge, but I like to call it "assessment." For some reason, I've been confirmed with an assumption of expert knowledge on human behavior. Okay, I have studied it for decades and it is what I do. But, I also think that there is a big difference between judgment and assessment.
With judgment comes the explicit meaning that your judgment places you above. Also, it is generally unsolicited. If I come to you and ask you for your perception, then by all means, assess. But, if I do not, then why should you think that it is your place to do so?
Also, I generally see a huge difference between solicited assessment and unsolicited judgment: value. It frequently feels as if the judger devalues the other when they judge: my worth is more than yours because you made a choice that I judge as being flawed and because I see myself as being in a position above you, I feel as if I have the right to let you know.
That alienates others. EVEN IF THE JUDGMENT HAS MERIT. It alienates the other. How much more effective would we be at evoking positive change in others if the other always knew that their worth was not the least bit diminished.
My goal for every client who walks through my office to never feel as if I value them one ounce less for choices they make. That they know that I see their light. That they can walk in and tell me that they made the most objectively harmful decision and, while I will likely call them on it, they will be able to lay the decision on the discussion table and be receptive to growth because their worth is not one ounce less. Unconditional positive regard.
Consider then, if you will, the IMPACT of your words on others. Does it achieve the goal intended? Is the intent to hurt, to distance, to demoralize? Or is the intention to lift up? Consider the impact of solicited vs. unsolicited "advice." Consider that there is a living breathing human on the receiving end and not one of us knows what that person is going through. Are you truly showing love for your fellow human or hate? And, if you believe it to be love, how effective are your words? I would posit that growth happens more when there is warmth, sun, and nurturance, than under heavy winds.
Just something to consider.
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