I Love Fridays - October 12, 2012 Style

Fridays are MY day.  I don't really see patients (I'm a shrink).  Mostly, it is a day just for me.  Today, the kittens are home since it is the end of the quarter.  It is currently a wee bit after 9:00 and the boy is watching TV, the girl is still sleeping, and I am menu planning for the week.

You've found Pinterest, right?  Love it.  It is a visual bookshelf that works much better for me.  Well, in the plan of getting this family's eating in a better path, I'm the official dinner cooker (remember, we both work outside of the home - he gets two to three nights a week).  My meals include Meatless Monday, Salad Wednesday, Burger Friday (this replaces Pizza and Movie on Friday nights), and Seafood Saturday.  When Football season is over, I will also have Soup Sunday

So, I have file folders in Pinterest for each of these meals.  I'm thinking this week we will have:

Burger Friday: http://pinterest.com/pin/125397170845890394/  Crispy Black Bean Cakes w Cilantro Dipping Sauce

Seafood Saturday: Not doing tomorrow since the girl and I are going to a pottery night at the KC Pottery Guild with our Mother-Daughter group from church.

Soup Sunday: The Steelers played Thursday this week.  http://pinterest.com/pin/125397170845947228/  Lasagna Soup.  The kids will likely hate it.

Meatless Monday: http://pinterest.com/pin/125397170845927564/ Sweet Potato and Black Bean Burritos (I will make extra and freeze)

Salad Wednesday: http://pinterest.com/pin/125397170845947262/ Chef's Salad with Turkey, Avocado, and Jack Cheese.

St. George Marathon 2012 Race Report

This race was one I've long looked forward to running.  First of all, entry is by lottery, so there is no guarantee that one will get in.  Two of my girlfriends and I entered, two of us made it - Stacy and me.  

Friday morning, I got up super-early and flew from Kansas to Vegas, then drove out to St. George.  The cool part of St. George is that my mother grew up there.  I picked up my race packet and shirt, then drove out to Zion National Park to meet up with Stacy.  If you have never been to Zion, go.  It is only a couple of hours from Vegas and it is probably where God lives.  

So, my marathon. . . I don't know if I can easily report. Okay, let's go with basics: St. George Marathon in Southern Utah. I last ran in early July when I earned stress fractures on my third and fourth metatarsils on my right foot. I did not run even once step since. Healing was my training. I did yoga, kettlebells, and some walking. 





But, I'm going to be honest: I was worried about my foot as it did not feel as healed as I thought it should after 12 weeks. So, my goals were only: 1) to not get injured and, if goal 1 was a given, 2) finish. I had no one waiting for me at the finish line to hurry up and finish so we could do other stuff. Every one knew that I would be at least 5:30. My plan was to walk/run as my foot felt comfortable. So, I had zero pressure.

I loved this race. I had a huge grin the entire time. I had moments of near happy emotional crying. In many respects, it was very healing. What I realized was this: I have no sense of self worth other than achieving. The only way I know I am of value is by meeting the needs of others or achieving. In this race, there was no way that I was going to achieve. No one was going to think my time good even under the best circumstance.

I ran because I enjoyed it. Because it made me happy. I realized that I'm not awesome because I run fast or because I run marathons. I.AM.NOT.MY.ACHIEVEMENTS. I am awesome because I am me. Just because. I don't need to accomplish one single thing. I don't need to sign up for a single race. I am not my accomplishments, so I am not less than just because I don't impress. That might seem minimal to others, but it has been my life. My whole life has been that I am truly, deeply not good enough and how could anyone like me unless I met their needs or achieved. And, I was in a situation whether neither were going to happen and I still did it and it was so huge to just let that go and to enjoy my run. To just be.



The past six months have super-sucked for me. And this race was like that weight being lifted off my shoulders and freeing me from feeling like I have to do anything to gain approval or love or acceptance.

This may sound like sour grapes, but it truly is not. It was so important to me. I am not my accomplishments. They are a part of me, but they do not represent my worth as a human being. No one likes me more for running or for being a shrink or for whatever. I can let that go and be happy.

Anyway, it felt amazing.

And, I was beyond grateful to be there when one of my dearest friends met one of her goals and qualified for Boston. That was worth every single ache and pain (including the experience of running and suddenly having a blister pop - sharp, shooting pain that made me stop; surprising; but, as with everything having to do with this race, I strangely was grateful for the experience). I wouldn't trade any of it.



I am sure that I will again strive for time. but, I never ever want to forget that my sense of self worth is a given. Not something for which I continuously have to achieve and then be disappointed.

Next up are two runs I am doing with my boy: the 'Stach Dash 5k and the Monster Dash 5k. Pretty sure neither will be for time either. After that, I'll get to setting some goals.

October 2012 Goal Setting and Personal Assessment

I've been avoiding the scale for a while, but my clothes were definitely telling me I was not getting any smaller.  As of this morning, I am actually heavier than I was at either six-week postpartum checkup.  A full 30.1 pounds more than my driver's license says I am (which is what I was a year ago).  Thirty pounds in one year is no joke.  My BMI is now 26.6 which means that I am overweight.  Not high end of normal range.  Overweight.  Over the course of the next ten months (until my August birthday), I would like to lose those 30.1 pounds, 6 inches off my boobs (I swear to you, my boobs have gotten even more huge than they already were; this is the part with which I am trying having the most difficulty), 7 inches off my waist, and 9 inches off my hips.  Yes, that is all a whole lot, but I'm going for slow and permanent.

I am not going to lie: I am extremely depressed by this.  Not so depressed that I'm getting back on my antidepressant.  I'm not clinically depressed.  I am just exceedingly bummed out.

So, no excuses, I am up 30 pounds largely because I eat like crap.  I've always been extremely physically active and have had the luxury of being able to eat more than I should.  Well, I'm 43, injured, depressed, tend to self-medicate more than I should with fat and drink.  I said it.  

That is me in a nutshell.  How I wish you could out train a bad diet.  Now, let me make it perfectly clear: my diet isn't horrible.  I'm not eating fast food or burgers and fries daily.  I'm not crawling into a cupcake and a bottle of vodka.  I just make too many excuses for things I shouldn't eat.  "Oh, this handful of trail mix isn't that bad."  "Just a few chips in mayo."  And then there is after bed snacking.  I get terrible restless legs and it often gets me up and over to the fridge.  For whatever reason, I've paired a late-night snack with being able to return to sleep.

So, that needs to be over.  Let me recap my September goals (oh, and I do want to point out that my blogging this is really just a fancy diary and that I'm not really expecting anyone to read it or find it interesting).

At the beginning of September, I challenged myself to completing 10,000 Kettlebell swings.  I finished it yesterday.  I'm not sure that I think it was worth it.  No, let me take that back: I don't think it was worth it.  I will keep up on some KBSs just because I think it'll help my booty in a way that will reduce running injuries.  And, I challenged myself to complete 30 yoga classes in 30 days.  I did it and I loved it and that will become permanent.  And, I earned myself some yoga gear and a new pair of pants (yoga goal and KB swing goal and, yes, my pants will be in my current size - love myself at all sizes).

But I do well with goals.  I like to use S.M.A.R.T. goals:

S-pecific

M-easureable

A-ttainable

R-ealistic

T-imely

I am not focusing them on weight because my goals are to change my relationship to food in general.  I want to be healthier for healthier sake, not as a rush to a weight goal.  And, I need to accept  myself at all sizes.  (That said, I will be thrilled when I was the "fat" I was two months ago).  

October Goals:

1.  Meditate for five minutes daily on the following Root Chakra Affirmation: "I nurture my body with healthy food, clean water, exercise, relaxation, and connection with nature."  If I could accomplish nothing else, it would be to fully take this in and make it me.  That would fix everything else.

2.  No more than 30 cheat foods a month.  This might seem like a lot, but it really is going to be very difficult.  That means ONE off diet food a day on average.  A Diet Pepsi counts.  A glass of Orange Juice counts, as does potato chips dipped in mayo.  I'm not specifying what I should and shouldn't eat.  The truth is: I know.  And you do too.  As such, I spent yesterday afternoon making carrot-ginger soup, black bean-sweet potato soup, and Ethiopian greens.  I will have healthy foods to eat and do not need to make any excuses.  

  

3.  I liked yoga so much, that I'm continuing that goal (frankly, I feel it is my foundation).  So, 31 classes for the 31 days of October.

4.  3,000 Kettlebell swings.  I think it will be good for me, but I do not think 10,000 is three times better than 3,000 (or, more accurately 3.3333333333333x better).  I'm going to be increasing the KB weight from 20 lbs to 25 lbs.

5.  Next, it is time to get back to getting some miles under my feet.  I developed two stress fractures in my right foot (third and fourth metatarils) and have not run at all since the beginning of July (yes, I am aware that is part of the weight gain).  I'm starting back slow.  I really am done being injured and, if it keeps happening, I'm hanging up my running shoes.  My goal is to put in 50 miles in October.  It can be run or walked.  It can be by myself, with my training partner, or with my dog.  It should be exceedingly easy to accomplish given that I'm runking a marathon in five days and that will account for a bit more than half the goal.  Oh, and I'm doing two 5ks with Jonathan in this month.  So, there, that accounts for a bit more than 32 miles already.

6.  Wake before 6:30 three mornings a week.  I was doing so  much better when I was getting up early to run on a regular basis.  I've become far too intimate with my bed.  And, while I do need sleep, I probably don't need to spend nearly half my life in bed.

That is it for now.  If I do all of that, I will be awesome.  Wait.  I'm awesome now.  I will think myself more awesomer.  And that is awesome.  And, with that, I will leave you with a picture of Spots the snake.

Last Day Before October Restart

I went to church last night to take some pictures of the band that was playing.  While there, I danced with a friend's daughter while my friend took some pictures.  Even some pictures of me.  And, yup, I clearly see just how big I have become.

I know that I'd like to drop 30 pounds by my birthday in ten months.  I want to make small lifestyle changes that become lasting.  And, I want to love and accept myself at all stages because, truly, my self-worth is not contingent on my weight.

I have a billion theories on life, but one of them is that change is more likely to become permanent when one is already in a place of self-acceptance before they start.

I accept myself.  This is who I am.  I am a person of worth and value.  Someone who is worthy of respect and compassion from self and others.  So, even though I am not the size or the weight I would prefer, it means I love myself no less and I will not treat myself as less.  This is me.  This is me today.  I am a mother, a wife, an injured runner, an aspiring yogini, a shrink, a friend, and so much more.  I just happen to weigh 30 pounds more than I would like.  Doesn't mean I'm 30 pounds less worth anything.

So tomorrow I restart my life.  Get ready.

Joy Is. . . .Becoming me.

So, I think I might have mentioned that I'm in psychotherapy right now.  Even though I'm 43, I think it is only now that I'm able to start becoming who I actually am: a not-nerdy looking nerd.  Which has posed problems for me over the years.  I've never understood why I'm not a part of the cool kid club, but evidence clearly shows that I am not.  The cool kids are nice to me, but I'm not one of them.  I'm so sad that I've wasted my entire life trying to find my tribe there rather than with the nerdy girls like me.

My husband and I generally have different approaches to just about everything, but this morning I was pleased to find him gently getting a big, huge spider out of our house without killing it.  This made more happier than just about anything else.

I geek out about sunflowers.

And, in the afternoon when I was able to ignore dishes and laundry, I was able to enjoy reading my type of nerd books outside in my favorite super-old sweats.

With my doggie who always hangs with me whenever possible.

And, I love knowing the differences between various types of sunflowers

And, I love my new hat.  

I think I'm finally getting that just because I don't necessarily look like a nerd, I am and I can enjoy it rather than fight it.

Joy Is. . . .Spending time with your kid being a novice reptile nerd.

Our elementary school had a half-day today.  Which is really super-weird, but whatever.  It's Friday.  The girlie had a play date with her bff and the boy and I got to spend time geeking out on reptiles and insects.

After he came home and chilled watching Play House Disney for about ten minutes, we went to a new pet store, then had lunch at Applebee's (his choice), and finished up at our favorite pet store checking out the snakes, scorpions, frogs, fish, etc.

I really want a cute froggy tank, but I'm really pushing my marital luck what with our ball python, two beardies, yellow bellied slider baby, indoor fish, two cats, dog, and outdoor fish.  

But, seriously, look at this emperor scorpion:

Is he not INCREDIBLE?!?  So gorgeous.  So impressive.  And, we learned that, because of his size, his venom is not all that impressive since he can overpower his prey with his size and pincers.  By contrast, smaller scorpions have venom that is 10x in potency.  But still, FREAKING MAJESTIC!

See, Joy Is. . . . being a novice creepy animal fan.

Oh, and Joy also is coming home from said trip with little man and having three neighbor boys come over and ask if he can play outside, telling them that he can't since we are feeding our ball python a live mouse, and then having the boys come inside and geek out on our animals.  Cool mom points for a brief moment.

Joy Is. . . Restart

As you can tell, it has been a while since I was active here.  Frankly, I don't really need people reading it right now and it truly is more for me than for anyone else.  I'm going to unlink from my facebook.  Also, as you can tell, I've gained weight.  Almost 30 lbs in the past year to be precise.  While is a lot.  And, I need to do something about it.  I've tried off and on for a while, but nothing has stuck.  So, I'm going to try something different.

This past year was really rough on me.  So rough that I decided I needed to start taking an antidepressant.  Over the past month or so, I feel as if I've managed to get a better handle on my coping skills and my self-direction.  As such, I've decided to discontinue taking my medication.

September has actually been pretty good.  I really do best with goals.  In July, I ran a marathon and developed stress fractures in my third and fourth metatarsils of my right foot and I've not run one mile since that day (now, sure, that could account for about 10 lbs, but there are plenty of other reasons as well, not the least being that I've self-medicated with food).  But, back to September.  It's been pretty good, largely because I've set a couple of really good goals for myself.  First, I decided to take on the 10,000 kettlebell swing challenge and second, and most important, I decided to commit myself to doing 30 yoga classes over the 30 days in September.  That has been the most important change I have made.  And, I'm doing it.  And, I know I'll finish both.

I've loved the yoga so much, that I will keep that goal.  But, as each month starts, I'll have a new lifestyle change goal to add.  I'm pretty sure that October's will be to limit my non-water/green smoothie/herbal tea drinks to no more than 10 a month.  I recently kicked my long time diet pepsi addiction and feel really good about having done so.

Those 30 lbs did not come on in one month.  They aren't going to come off in one month.  And, I want them to come off because of sustainable lifestyle changes.  I'm not going to obsess with the scale.  I might not even weigh myself more than monthly.  It is the lifestyle changes that are the primary goal with weight loss being a natural consequence thereof.  I'm thinking I'd like to rid myself of those 30 extra pounds by my birthday in August with one major lifestyle change goal each month.

I'm good with goals.  I like them.  I eat them for breakfast.  Well, actually, I'm going to try to eat green smoothies for breakfast.  But, with my goals.