I've got some catching up to do.

Someone I greatly admire over at Amity suggested a daily gratitude blog. Well, that isn't all that far off from the intention of this blog. Mine being Joy. I do feel that Joy and Gratitude are deeply connected, for I am deeply grateful for the Joy in my life (funny thing is, this Amity mama I admire much is, ironically, named Joy).

But, gratitude.

I'm grateful for the opportunity I had this week of having my protective fort around myself be opened. It was neither pleasant, nor fun. It was, however, necessary for growth.

I'm not going to delve deeply into the totality of the issue for I'm still processing and I'm not certain that I'm ready to share all. But, like many core issues, it starts long ago. The result is that I truly trust no one. I'll tell anyone almost anything, but that is very different from opening my heart and trust and allowing someone into my core.

Late Wednesday evening, a colleague and I had a long needed conversation in which it was observed that I am guarded and maintain a thick wall around myself. I'm skilled at the fine defenses of humor and intellectualization and can make it appear as if I'm open, when I'm actually guarded.

I was surprised they had seen that. I'd thought I was so much better. But, I'm not. Frankly, I'm desperately lonely and it is all my own doing. There are many reasons for it, none of which I really care to discuss at the moment.

At the end of our conversation, I was spent, drained, and sad. I was really aware of my neediness and loneliness. But, I knew it was good. And, this is where comes my gratitude.

I'm grateful for the insight of others in my life.

I'm grateful that others trust me enough to know that I can handle their insight.

I'm grateful for fear and loneliness and pain. Without pain, there is not a much motivation for necessary work.

I'm grateful that I allowed myself to feel rather than shut down.

I'm grateful that I did not turn to my generally very useful drug of endorphins produced from running.

I'm grateful that I'm willing to take a chance and to think and to explore what has been existing deep within me that I've been ignoring for so very long.

I've got work to do. I need to do it. If I suddenly felt "fine" then I'd stop the work and I don't want to stop the work. I've been siting on it for decades.

I am guarded. I don't trust others. I don't believe that others could actually just like me for me. I believe I'm only as good as my ability to "manipulate" others into liking me. And, I must feel this way because *I* don't like myself. And, I don't. I think that at my core I'm too needy and flawed. I did not realize this, but this must be the case because my behavior truly suggests that I do not trust that anyone could just like me for me. I act as if people can only like me when I impress them or do things for them or entertain them. If I took away my accomplishments, my caretaking, or my entertaining, who would still like me? But, I'll never know until I try.

So, one of the first things I'm going to have to do is stop. Stop my desperate caretaking at work. Stop trying to entertain. And, stop trying to achieve.

And, then I have to start liking myself.

So, I guess, right now, I truly am grateful for pain.

January 22, 2008

Jonathan has been less than well since December 24, but took a definite turn toward sick on Saturday. He's gotten worse with a fever, coughing, and throwing up with coughing.

Eric took yesterday off work in order to stay home with Jonathan, thus enabling me to go to work. Last night, Jonathan slept with me in our big bed and spent much of the night waking and crying and coughing. Clearly, we could not send him to school today either. So, Eric took first shift and I took second.

While it is not a joy that he is ill, I was reminded to be grateful. I took him to the doctor this afternoon. We had to wait for over an hour, which is quite unlike this practice. I finally went to the reception and asked how long it would be as he was miserable waiting and I was not sure it was worth it to wait much longer. I was told that the child right before us was very ill, but that we were next. I explained that I understood, but I needed to know approximately how long it would be as I needed to make a decision in light of needing to be at the bus stop when my daughter arrived home from school. We were quickly ushered into a room.

And, there we waited more.

Then, the ARNP finally came in right as I was about to leave (not in anger, though I was not happy). She apologized and, again, explained that they had a very sick child for whom they had needed to arrange transport.

Jonathan was checked - ear infection and it appears as if one of his ear tubes has fallen out - prescribed medication and sent home.

As the elevator doors opened for us to get on, a child-sized ambulance gurney exited and the reality really hit. Then, we walked out of the building and saw the ambulance for the local children's hospital waiting. And, I choked up.

An ear infection is an annoyance, but I'm so grateful that he is currently home, sleeping in my bed rather than my rushing frantically to the hospital where I will spend the night wondering about concerns far greater than whether I will be able to go to work tomorrow.

Monday, January 21, 2008

In my photojournaling of each day, I would be remiss to exclude a major part of my life. Three days a week, I work as a psychologist. It often feels as if I'm supposed to minimize this part of my life or to downplay my pride at having earned a doctorate. So, I often do and I feel, ultimately, that by doing so, I am being dishonest to myself. I am proud of my degree. It was an enormous amount of work. Sometimes, I feel as if some people in my life think that my life is privileged. It is. But, that discredits the incredible amount of hard work that it has taken me to get here. I struggled far more than people know.

One of the most vivid example of a portion of my struggle was one day being asked by someone who was homeless if I had any money to spare. At that particular moment, I was without telephone, electricity, or gas and was in the process of being evicted, all due to non-payment. I had six dollars to my name. Six dollars. No credit cards and nothing in savings. I had six dollars. I had three cats that needed food, a car that needed gas (and a car payment to two), and a belly. I remember responding to him in my head, "the only difference right now between you and me is that I've not yet been evicted."

I have every right to be proud. And, it is a huge part of me. Even now, years after having earned my Ph.D., I still feel a sense of pride at the accomplishment.

Today was a work day.
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Happy Birthday Dog! (Sunday, January 20, 2008)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOG! See, in our family, we have a LOT of birthdays. Today was Lauren's Webkins DOG's (his name is, in fact, "Dog") birthday. Some years, Pooh Bear might have four or five birthdays. We probably have someone's birthday at least every other week.

Generally, the way it works is that Lauren will wake up one morning and ask, "Guess whose birthday is today?"

We guess a few times and then she announces, "It's my Webkin Dog's birthday."

So, we end up making a birthday cake sometime during the course of the day (and Lauren always cracks the eggs). Then, after dinner, we sing Happy Birthday to the birthday stuffed animal and enjoy some cake.

Saturday, January 19, 2007

Lauren has had a wiggly tooth for a long while now. We had been unaware of her wiggly tooth until she went to the dentist at the beginning of the month. At that time (January 2), we figured it would be "any day now!" but it ended up taking an additional 17 days.

Saturday was a lovely day. I took Lauren to her ballet class, then we met up with Daddy and Jonathan at Oklahoma Joe's for lunch. Yum! I had my usual Pulled Pork Sandwich, Carolina Style. Pulled pork sandwich with coleslaw, pickles, and BBQ sauce on a hamburger bun. LOVE IT!

Then, we went to the movie theater as a family to watch the new Veggie Tales Movie. As we were standing in the line for concessions, we noticed that Lauren's tooth was gone. I ran back to retrace our steps as much as possible, but did not find her tooth. So, we ended up having to write the tooth fairy a note in order to explain why her tooth was not underneath her pillow as per traditional tooth fairy requirements.

After the movie, we came home and relaxed for a while, then Lauren and I went to the gym so that she could play there and I could spend some time on the treadmill. Daddy and Jonathan joined us later and we went swimming. Finally, we had smoothies for dinner and the kiddos went to bed.

I'd actually call that a Joy-Filled day.

Well, what do I want from this day?

I don't think I want to spend my day dorking around on the computer. The thought of cleaning my kitchen certainly does not sound appealing or joy-promoting, but the thought of HAVING a clean kitchen does. Decluttering does.

We've been traveling for the past 10 days. I'm tired. I long for quite, peaceful home. Our travel was good and I will talk about it tomorrow, but, for today, I want simplicity.

As such, I need to clean my kitchen. And, finish putting the toys from our travel away. And, start putting Christmas away. I want the clutter eliminated. While it is always difficult for me to INITIATE cleaning, I know it will feel wonderful when it is clean.

And, so I start.

That is what I want from this day.