I Love Fridays - October 12, 2012 Style

Fridays are MY day.  I don't really see patients (I'm a shrink).  Mostly, it is a day just for me.  Today, the kittens are home since it is the end of the quarter.  It is currently a wee bit after 9:00 and the boy is watching TV, the girl is still sleeping, and I am menu planning for the week.

You've found Pinterest, right?  Love it.  It is a visual bookshelf that works much better for me.  Well, in the plan of getting this family's eating in a better path, I'm the official dinner cooker (remember, we both work outside of the home - he gets two to three nights a week).  My meals include Meatless Monday, Salad Wednesday, Burger Friday (this replaces Pizza and Movie on Friday nights), and Seafood Saturday.  When Football season is over, I will also have Soup Sunday

So, I have file folders in Pinterest for each of these meals.  I'm thinking this week we will have:

Burger Friday: http://pinterest.com/pin/125397170845890394/  Crispy Black Bean Cakes w Cilantro Dipping Sauce

Seafood Saturday: Not doing tomorrow since the girl and I are going to a pottery night at the KC Pottery Guild with our Mother-Daughter group from church.

Soup Sunday: The Steelers played Thursday this week.  http://pinterest.com/pin/125397170845947228/  Lasagna Soup.  The kids will likely hate it.

Meatless Monday: http://pinterest.com/pin/125397170845927564/ Sweet Potato and Black Bean Burritos (I will make extra and freeze)

Salad Wednesday: http://pinterest.com/pin/125397170845947262/ Chef's Salad with Turkey, Avocado, and Jack Cheese.

St. George Marathon 2012 Race Report

This race was one I've long looked forward to running.  First of all, entry is by lottery, so there is no guarantee that one will get in.  Two of my girlfriends and I entered, two of us made it - Stacy and me.  

Friday morning, I got up super-early and flew from Kansas to Vegas, then drove out to St. George.  The cool part of St. George is that my mother grew up there.  I picked up my race packet and shirt, then drove out to Zion National Park to meet up with Stacy.  If you have never been to Zion, go.  It is only a couple of hours from Vegas and it is probably where God lives.  

So, my marathon. . . I don't know if I can easily report. Okay, let's go with basics: St. George Marathon in Southern Utah. I last ran in early July when I earned stress fractures on my third and fourth metatarsils on my right foot. I did not run even once step since. Healing was my training. I did yoga, kettlebells, and some walking. 





But, I'm going to be honest: I was worried about my foot as it did not feel as healed as I thought it should after 12 weeks. So, my goals were only: 1) to not get injured and, if goal 1 was a given, 2) finish. I had no one waiting for me at the finish line to hurry up and finish so we could do other stuff. Every one knew that I would be at least 5:30. My plan was to walk/run as my foot felt comfortable. So, I had zero pressure.

I loved this race. I had a huge grin the entire time. I had moments of near happy emotional crying. In many respects, it was very healing. What I realized was this: I have no sense of self worth other than achieving. The only way I know I am of value is by meeting the needs of others or achieving. In this race, there was no way that I was going to achieve. No one was going to think my time good even under the best circumstance.

I ran because I enjoyed it. Because it made me happy. I realized that I'm not awesome because I run fast or because I run marathons. I.AM.NOT.MY.ACHIEVEMENTS. I am awesome because I am me. Just because. I don't need to accomplish one single thing. I don't need to sign up for a single race. I am not my accomplishments, so I am not less than just because I don't impress. That might seem minimal to others, but it has been my life. My whole life has been that I am truly, deeply not good enough and how could anyone like me unless I met their needs or achieved. And, I was in a situation whether neither were going to happen and I still did it and it was so huge to just let that go and to enjoy my run. To just be.



The past six months have super-sucked for me. And this race was like that weight being lifted off my shoulders and freeing me from feeling like I have to do anything to gain approval or love or acceptance.

This may sound like sour grapes, but it truly is not. It was so important to me. I am not my accomplishments. They are a part of me, but they do not represent my worth as a human being. No one likes me more for running or for being a shrink or for whatever. I can let that go and be happy.

Anyway, it felt amazing.

And, I was beyond grateful to be there when one of my dearest friends met one of her goals and qualified for Boston. That was worth every single ache and pain (including the experience of running and suddenly having a blister pop - sharp, shooting pain that made me stop; surprising; but, as with everything having to do with this race, I strangely was grateful for the experience). I wouldn't trade any of it.



I am sure that I will again strive for time. but, I never ever want to forget that my sense of self worth is a given. Not something for which I continuously have to achieve and then be disappointed.

Next up are two runs I am doing with my boy: the 'Stach Dash 5k and the Monster Dash 5k. Pretty sure neither will be for time either. After that, I'll get to setting some goals.

October 2012 Goal Setting and Personal Assessment

I've been avoiding the scale for a while, but my clothes were definitely telling me I was not getting any smaller.  As of this morning, I am actually heavier than I was at either six-week postpartum checkup.  A full 30.1 pounds more than my driver's license says I am (which is what I was a year ago).  Thirty pounds in one year is no joke.  My BMI is now 26.6 which means that I am overweight.  Not high end of normal range.  Overweight.  Over the course of the next ten months (until my August birthday), I would like to lose those 30.1 pounds, 6 inches off my boobs (I swear to you, my boobs have gotten even more huge than they already were; this is the part with which I am trying having the most difficulty), 7 inches off my waist, and 9 inches off my hips.  Yes, that is all a whole lot, but I'm going for slow and permanent.

I am not going to lie: I am extremely depressed by this.  Not so depressed that I'm getting back on my antidepressant.  I'm not clinically depressed.  I am just exceedingly bummed out.

So, no excuses, I am up 30 pounds largely because I eat like crap.  I've always been extremely physically active and have had the luxury of being able to eat more than I should.  Well, I'm 43, injured, depressed, tend to self-medicate more than I should with fat and drink.  I said it.  

That is me in a nutshell.  How I wish you could out train a bad diet.  Now, let me make it perfectly clear: my diet isn't horrible.  I'm not eating fast food or burgers and fries daily.  I'm not crawling into a cupcake and a bottle of vodka.  I just make too many excuses for things I shouldn't eat.  "Oh, this handful of trail mix isn't that bad."  "Just a few chips in mayo."  And then there is after bed snacking.  I get terrible restless legs and it often gets me up and over to the fridge.  For whatever reason, I've paired a late-night snack with being able to return to sleep.

So, that needs to be over.  Let me recap my September goals (oh, and I do want to point out that my blogging this is really just a fancy diary and that I'm not really expecting anyone to read it or find it interesting).

At the beginning of September, I challenged myself to completing 10,000 Kettlebell swings.  I finished it yesterday.  I'm not sure that I think it was worth it.  No, let me take that back: I don't think it was worth it.  I will keep up on some KBSs just because I think it'll help my booty in a way that will reduce running injuries.  And, I challenged myself to complete 30 yoga classes in 30 days.  I did it and I loved it and that will become permanent.  And, I earned myself some yoga gear and a new pair of pants (yoga goal and KB swing goal and, yes, my pants will be in my current size - love myself at all sizes).

But I do well with goals.  I like to use S.M.A.R.T. goals:

S-pecific

M-easureable

A-ttainable

R-ealistic

T-imely

I am not focusing them on weight because my goals are to change my relationship to food in general.  I want to be healthier for healthier sake, not as a rush to a weight goal.  And, I need to accept  myself at all sizes.  (That said, I will be thrilled when I was the "fat" I was two months ago).  

October Goals:

1.  Meditate for five minutes daily on the following Root Chakra Affirmation: "I nurture my body with healthy food, clean water, exercise, relaxation, and connection with nature."  If I could accomplish nothing else, it would be to fully take this in and make it me.  That would fix everything else.

2.  No more than 30 cheat foods a month.  This might seem like a lot, but it really is going to be very difficult.  That means ONE off diet food a day on average.  A Diet Pepsi counts.  A glass of Orange Juice counts, as does potato chips dipped in mayo.  I'm not specifying what I should and shouldn't eat.  The truth is: I know.  And you do too.  As such, I spent yesterday afternoon making carrot-ginger soup, black bean-sweet potato soup, and Ethiopian greens.  I will have healthy foods to eat and do not need to make any excuses.  

  

3.  I liked yoga so much, that I'm continuing that goal (frankly, I feel it is my foundation).  So, 31 classes for the 31 days of October.

4.  3,000 Kettlebell swings.  I think it will be good for me, but I do not think 10,000 is three times better than 3,000 (or, more accurately 3.3333333333333x better).  I'm going to be increasing the KB weight from 20 lbs to 25 lbs.

5.  Next, it is time to get back to getting some miles under my feet.  I developed two stress fractures in my right foot (third and fourth metatarils) and have not run at all since the beginning of July (yes, I am aware that is part of the weight gain).  I'm starting back slow.  I really am done being injured and, if it keeps happening, I'm hanging up my running shoes.  My goal is to put in 50 miles in October.  It can be run or walked.  It can be by myself, with my training partner, or with my dog.  It should be exceedingly easy to accomplish given that I'm runking a marathon in five days and that will account for a bit more than half the goal.  Oh, and I'm doing two 5ks with Jonathan in this month.  So, there, that accounts for a bit more than 32 miles already.

6.  Wake before 6:30 three mornings a week.  I was doing so  much better when I was getting up early to run on a regular basis.  I've become far too intimate with my bed.  And, while I do need sleep, I probably don't need to spend nearly half my life in bed.

That is it for now.  If I do all of that, I will be awesome.  Wait.  I'm awesome now.  I will think myself more awesomer.  And that is awesome.  And, with that, I will leave you with a picture of Spots the snake.