Someone I greatly admire over at Amity suggested a daily gratitude blog. Well, that isn't all that far off from the intention of this blog. Mine being Joy. I do feel that Joy and Gratitude are deeply connected, for I am deeply grateful for the Joy in my life (funny thing is, this Amity mama I admire much is, ironically, named Joy).
But, gratitude.
I'm grateful for the opportunity I had this week of having my protective fort around myself be opened. It was neither pleasant, nor fun. It was, however, necessary for growth.
I'm not going to delve deeply into the totality of the issue for I'm still processing and I'm not certain that I'm ready to share all. But, like many core issues, it starts long ago. The result is that I truly trust no one. I'll tell anyone almost anything, but that is very different from opening my heart and trust and allowing someone into my core.
Late Wednesday evening, a colleague and I had a long needed conversation in which it was observed that I am guarded and maintain a thick wall around myself. I'm skilled at the fine defenses of humor and intellectualization and can make it appear as if I'm open, when I'm actually guarded.
I was surprised they had seen that. I'd thought I was so much better. But, I'm not. Frankly, I'm desperately lonely and it is all my own doing. There are many reasons for it, none of which I really care to discuss at the moment.
At the end of our conversation, I was spent, drained, and sad. I was really aware of my neediness and loneliness. But, I knew it was good. And, this is where comes my gratitude.
I'm grateful for the insight of others in my life.
I'm grateful that others trust me enough to know that I can handle their insight.
I'm grateful for fear and loneliness and pain. Without pain, there is not a much motivation for necessary work.
I'm grateful that I allowed myself to feel rather than shut down.
I'm grateful that I did not turn to my generally very useful drug of endorphins produced from running.
I'm grateful that I'm willing to take a chance and to think and to explore what has been existing deep within me that I've been ignoring for so very long.
I've got work to do. I need to do it. If I suddenly felt "fine" then I'd stop the work and I don't want to stop the work. I've been siting on it for decades.
I am guarded. I don't trust others. I don't believe that others could actually just like me for me. I believe I'm only as good as my ability to "manipulate" others into liking me. And, I must feel this way because *I* don't like myself. And, I don't. I think that at my core I'm too needy and flawed. I did not realize this, but this must be the case because my behavior truly suggests that I do not trust that anyone could just like me for me. I act as if people can only like me when I impress them or do things for them or entertain them. If I took away my accomplishments, my caretaking, or my entertaining, who would still like me? But, I'll never know until I try.
So, one of the first things I'm going to have to do is stop. Stop my desperate caretaking at work. Stop trying to entertain. And, stop trying to achieve.
And, then I have to start liking myself.
So, I guess, right now, I truly am grateful for pain.
