This race was one I've long looked forward to running. First of all, entry is by lottery, so there is no guarantee that one will get in. Two of my girlfriends and I entered, two of us made it - Stacy and me.
Friday morning, I got up super-early and flew from Kansas to Vegas, then drove out to St. George. The cool part of St. George is that my mother grew up there. I picked up my race packet and shirt, then drove out to Zion National Park to meet up with Stacy. If you have never been to Zion, go. It is only a couple of hours from Vegas and it is probably where God lives.
So, my marathon. . . I don't know if I can easily report. Okay, let's go with basics: St. George Marathon in Southern Utah. I last ran in early July when I earned stress fractures on my third and fourth metatarsils on my right foot. I did not run even once step since. Healing was my training. I did yoga, kettlebells, and some walking.
But, I'm going to be honest: I was worried about my foot as it did not feel as healed as I thought it should after 12 weeks. So, my goals were only: 1) to not get injured and, if goal 1 was a given, 2) finish. I had no one waiting for me at the finish line to hurry up and finish so we could do other stuff. Every one knew that I would be at least 5:30. My plan was to walk/run as my foot felt comfortable. So, I had zero pressure.
I loved this race. I had a huge grin the entire time. I had moments of near happy emotional crying. In many respects, it was very healing. What I realized was this: I have no sense of self worth other than achieving. The only way I know I am of value is by meeting the needs of others or achieving. In this race, there was no way that I was going to achieve. No one was going to think my time good even under the best circumstance.
I ran because I enjoyed it. Because it made me happy. I realized that I'm not awesome because I run fast or because I run marathons. I.AM.NOT.MY.ACHIEVEMENTS. I am awesome because I am me. Just because. I don't need to accomplish one single thing. I don't need to sign up for a single race. I am not my accomplishments, so I am not less than just because I don't impress. That might seem minimal to others, but it has been my life. My whole life has been that I am truly, deeply not good enough and how could anyone like me unless I met their needs or achieved. And, I was in a situation whether neither were going to happen and I still did it and it was so huge to just let that go and to enjoy my run. To just be.
The past six months have super-sucked for me. And this race was like that weight being lifted off my shoulders and freeing me from feeling like I have to do anything to gain approval or love or acceptance.
This may sound like sour grapes, but it truly is not. It was so important to me. I am not my accomplishments. They are a part of me, but they do not represent my worth as a human being. No one likes me more for running or for being a shrink or for whatever. I can let that go and be happy.
Anyway, it felt amazing.
And, I was beyond grateful to be there when one of my dearest friends met one of her goals and qualified for Boston. That was worth every single ache and pain (including the experience of running and suddenly having a blister pop - sharp, shooting pain that made me stop; surprising; but, as with everything having to do with this race, I strangely was grateful for the experience). I wouldn't trade any of it.
I am sure that I will again strive for time. but, I never ever want to forget that my sense of self worth is a given. Not something for which I continuously have to achieve and then be disappointed.
Next up are two runs I am doing with my boy: the 'Stach Dash 5k and the Monster Dash 5k. Pretty sure neither will be for time either. After that, I'll get to setting some goals.
No comments:
Post a Comment